My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Dec 13

Eloping isn’t romantic

Category: Life

So, in the very back of my mind I had a rather romantic idea of what it would be like to be committed. I kind of pictured a comfortable little room, lots of talking to therapists, nice meds to help me sleep. However, it really wasn’t like that, there’s absolutely nothing romantic about getting yourself committed.

I spent over twenty-four hours waiting in the emergency room, medical, then psych. The psych e.r. is cold and empty, the rooms have electronic locks, no curtains, shatter-proof windows. Since I’m trached with a vent, I got admitted to a medical floor and not the psych floor. I’m really not sure that the latter would have been better. Rather than talking, the first course of action is drugs. I got so fucked up on Remeron I couldn’t think straight for almost two days, my hands and feet swelled up, I didn’t feel real.

It’s all a little fuzzy, really. The entire  three-ish days were physically exhausting. I hadn’t felt so bad since my two-month stay back in 2006, only this time I volunteered for it, I signed up for it. I felt ridiculously stupid, like I was killing myself, but accidentally. In doing so, however, I reminded myself just how much I really want to live.

Eventually, I did get to talk to a psychologist, not a drug-pushing psychiatrist, she referred me to some out-patient therapists. Overall, I feel better about my situation, I don’t feel so lost and stuck. After Sara left, my life took a really bad turn, ridiculously so. An entire nice little future, gone in a blink. Apparently, I couldn’t cope. I had to do something to set things right again, and I think that’s what I did.

Still, I’m absolutely exhausted, and as a bonus, my trache got rather nasty inside, so I’m on ten days of IV anti-biotics. My arms look like a junkie’s, track marked and bruised from failed IV attempts.


5 Comments so far

  1. Gabriele December 14th, 2008 5:57 am

    Mike, going to Texas but I will keep you in my heart and sending vibes your way.

  2. Will December 14th, 2008 10:44 pm

    Wishing you all the peaceful rest you can get, literally and metaphorically.

    “Some troubles are like a pebble. Hold it too close to your eye and it fills the whole world and puts everything out of focus. Hold it at a proper distance and it can be examined and properly classified. Throw it at your feet and it can be seen in its true setting, just one more tiny bump on the pathway to life.”

  3. Aerica December 15th, 2008 7:47 am

    I’ve been lurking a while because I’ve been a little intimidated by your eloquence but this I have to comment on.

    I was locked away for a few days when I was 15 and you’re so right. It is FAR from being romantic but I kind of had that idea in my mind, too. It’s like the way people think alcoholic writers are romantic or the kind of people that imagine diving off a bridge and into the ocean would be romantic. It seems like such a good idea until you’re 100 feet from the water, clenching your teeth and praying that you don’t live to see the other side because it’s going to hurt like hell. It’s profoundly stupid on so many different levels that you can’t even comprehend WHY you did it in the first place.

    My biggest fear about dying (or being committed, same difference, right?) is that I might forget what music sounds like. I don’t know why but the thought of a lack of music is the reason I keep from going batshit crazy most of the time. It seems like a very thin line but at least I know that music isn’t going out of style any time soon. 🙂

  4. Ormolu December 15th, 2008 2:56 pm

    I think many of us would have those same preconceived notions about being committed. At least, those of us who have pondered that particular subject and it seems I’m not the only one of your readers who has.

    I am glad to hear of the good that came out of your experience. You knew that you needed help and you sought it. I wish you wouldn’t feel foolish about it in the least. And I do hope that you’ll continue with the therapy on an outpatient basis, per your referrals.

    As was pointed out to me very recently, when you’re depressed, it’s easy to feel stuck. Trapped. In a rut. And that just adds to the depression, feeding itself in a cycle until it seems you have no way to change things. I have to remind myself of this often.

    Will – I liked your quote. Where’s it from?

    Take care, Mike. <3

  5. Will December 15th, 2008 9:27 pm

    The quote is from Celia Luce; I found it long ago as I was searching for analogies/metaphors when someone told me I used a lot of them and should keep doing so as they are a sign of intelligent communication because they demonstrate ideas quickly and to all audiences.

    Other Faves:

    Getting angry can sometimes be like leaping into a wonderfully responsive sports car, gunning the motor, taking off at high speed and then discovering the brakes are out of order. — Maggie Scarf

    Telling a stress junkie to stay calm is like trying to put out a fire with gunpowder. — unknown

    A book should serve as the ax for the frozen sea within us. — Franz Kafka