My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Dec 15

Having had time

Category: Life

Having had time to look back and process the entire experience, getting myself committed is definitely one of the top five Goddamn fucking dumbest things I’ve ever done. I needed help, but Christ on crackers, I picked the absolute worst possible way. I basically did cut my wrists. I hurt myself, but not on purpose. I should just do the opposite of whatever the fuck I think is a good idea. I don’t do anything the easy way or the right way anymore.


13 Comments so far

  1. Will December 15th, 2008 12:43 am

    Maybe that is true; but also true is that some harsh bad things, even really bad decisions, have allowed people to become literal heroes. Personally I felt you took a very noble route and your reasoning was sound. Sounds like the experience was unfilling in some ways. Maybe there’s still more time needed to process it all.

    Someone I look up to as the most evolved person I’ve ever met, was not only a wreck from some horrible things others did, but also for a time was quite mean to others, confused, irritated, irrational. All of that is still called on by this person, and actually thankful now in hindsight for. I have a little of my own of that. I put myself in your shoes and think I’d feel similar as you do now in general sense, so I understand, but hope you find that diamond in all the rough.
    Good Night Michael. Glad to hear from you.

  2. Ali December 15th, 2008 3:47 am

    I was commited for 5 weeks when I was 17. I know what you mean.

    May I suggest a book? Ignore it or not. Obviously. Aimee Mann and Elliot Smith are both mentioned in it. It is a autobiography by E from The Eels. [amazing]. I cried, I laughed, I related and I was amazed.

  3. Laura December 15th, 2008 1:53 pm

    it’s been a while since i’ve checked this thing, and damn, have i missed a lot.

    i’m sorry you’ve gone through this. i guess it remains to be seen whether you’ll eventually see it as a learning experience (don’t you hate that phrase?), but hopefully something will come of it. the idea of your bus trip, and the subsequent book, seems like an intriguing way to find fulfillment in some way. i think your sharp prose is more than worth being published. of the people i know i would want to read a book written by you the most.

    yeah, this comment is all over the place. i apologize for my lack of coherence :T

  4. Ormolu December 15th, 2008 3:04 pm

    *frowns* Still, I think you’re being too hard on yourself.

    Looking at it another way, you’ve had an experience most of us haven’t. And there are plenty of us who are curious about it.

    Speaking of book recommendations on the subject, I’ve had an interest in checking out this author after I heard that her last book was a record of her delving undercover into life as a man. Her new book is an account about voluntarily committing herself to several hospitals:

    As always, I do hope you’ll be gentle with yourself, Mike.

  5. Will December 15th, 2008 9:31 pm

    I think Michael you could write the most amazing fiction story from your very real experiences; I would love to see two characters represent two opposing sides within you, with all you’ve met represented in other characters. Knowing you it would be funny and insightful all at the same time; and the funny would start with Dark. I don’t think you’d have to go far or long to find a plethora of material.

  6. espo December 15th, 2008 10:54 pm

    you live, you learn. Don’t be too hard on yourself. How were you supposed to know it wasn’t going to help, ya know? And now ya know, so in one way maybe it was good to know that isn’t the way to go for future help.

    Things can only get better from here.

  7. Preston Craig December 16th, 2008 3:44 pm

    It’s amazing what gaining perspective through experience can do isn’t it?

    I liked how you mentioned that you realized that you had romanticized the idea of the experience. In reading over your entries, it seemed as if you were more focused on the romantic idea of being crazy, being lost, alcohol, drugs, and suicide.

    I don’t think your crazy, not in the clinical sense anyway. You’re just in a very difficult situation in which it makes it difficult to gain real world perspective. The extraordinary things that have happened to you over the years seem to take a back seat to what most consider a part of growing up.

    We’ve all had a Sara. I’ve had a few. I remember when I found my first love (or what I considered love to be at the time). After we broke up, I thought I was broken, crazy, and lost. However, rather than spending all day in bed crying and wallowing in it… I went on with my life. Over time, thoughts of her were slowly replaced by other thoughts gained through continuing my life. Then, one day I met someone else… and the whole cycle began again.

    I’ve been with a few girls who at some point I thought I couldn’t live a happy life without. I have no regular contact with any of them now. I’m still alive. I’m quite happy… whether I’m single or I wake up to someone next to me (my dog included).

    The point is, there are things you can control… and things you can’t. You have to let go of what you can’t control and then focus on what you can.

    You can’t make someone love you. But, you can make yourself more attractive by who you are and what you do.

    There are far more interesting things to use your energy writing about than self-pity and teenage lamenting. One day, you’re going to die… and it’s most likely not going to be romantic. So, then people are only going to remember you for what you wrote about… what you did with the life you had.

    I’ll leave you with a few Henry Miller quotes… as they’re some of my favorite guides in life. Extrapolate from them as you see fit.

    “I have no money, no resources, and no hope. I am the happiest man alive.”

    “Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music – the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.”

    “If we are always arriving and departing, it is also true that we are eternally anchored. One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.”

    “We live in the mind, in ideas, in fragments. We no longer drink in the wild outer music of the streets – we remember only.”

    ” Hope is a bad thing. It means that you are not what you want to be. It means that part of you is dead, if not all of you. It means that you entertain illusions. It’s a sort of spiritual clap, I should say.”

    I love that last one because it made me realize… what if today is as good as it will ever get? What if, as much as it sucks, it’s only going to get worse? I had to find a way to derive something enjoyable out of the situation. My life changed dramatically after I accepted the worst case scenario and kept moving. You’d be surprised how people will respond more favorably once you change your outlook.

  8. redandjonny December 16th, 2008 4:58 pm

    Better luck next time.

  9. Willl December 16th, 2008 7:40 pm

    What I love about life and love is; when you’re “Ready”; any Ex will take your disclosure of how / why and how much you loved them and take pleasure in your growth and be willing to be your peep. We all seem to forget, we’ve “all been There”. They only want to see you shine; and when you do? You attract and become Pimpish!

  10. Preston Craig December 17th, 2008 12:30 am

    That’s a dangerous way of thinking Will. There are times when an ex stays and ex permanently and to better yourself in hopes that one day they’ll notice you again… is self-destructive. Although your core idea of bettering one’s self to become more attractive is on point, it should only be done for personal satisfaction and not simply to try to gain validation through the acceptance of someone else.

  11. michael December 17th, 2008 3:59 am

    Preston: I don’t think that my internal monologue was romantic or romanticized, I don’t find my dark moments at all romantic. I went because I’ve never felt so privately and consistently dark, I needed to quit taking Ativan, as I was getting all the side-effects and little sleep. I needed/need help, I just didn’t find it in the right way. The “help” just fucked me up in a different way. I recognize that, and I regret that I didn’t realize such would happen.

    I know we’ve all had “Saras,” I’m perfectly aware that we “move on.” It’s all very rational and correct, nothing I’ve never thought a thousand times before. Sometimes, though, that rational voice isn’t loud enough.

    I’ve seen my absolute worst scenario four times in the last three years, I don’t find that doing so gets easier with practice, but I think that a lack of hope IS death. Hope and action are a powerful combination. My fear is over-acceptance of a bad situation. I fear not having the energy to hope for and work toward the life that I want.

    I’m well aware that a “good” outlook will attract “good” reactions from people, but at the same time, I’m not going to spend all my time faking an outlook that I lack. I don’t censor anything I write, and I don’t write it for favorable reaction. I want one place where I can simply be honest.

    Will, great, just… great.

    redandjonny, exactly.

  12. Ormolu December 17th, 2008 12:35 pm

    Preston, I found your reply to be very thoughtful and provoking.

    The first love is always so difficult to break from. My own screwed me up for a long time. I empathize.

  13. Will December 18th, 2008 1:54 am

    I don’t want to focus on the Ex thing but, to clarify; I put quotes around “Ready” on purpose; Ready meaning; healthy, objective, loving outlook, and when I said Pimpish; I meant; if you have hang ups about an ex, and UNCONDITIONALLY speak with them, not trying to attract but rather show your appreciation for times past, it can be very rewarding for both and, move you ON, allow you a certain vibe that others pick up on; allow you to meet new people, whom I kidding; I mean new lovers…..

    I totally understand the dangers in “going back” ; what I meant is, I’ve had ex’s have issues with me years later ; they weren’t “ready” they were merely searching to reconnect; and Me Same, reverse situ….but I’ve had 5 experiences now in my 3 decades on this planet where me and an ex love got together; focused on the now and where we are, touch a little on the past; and our lives enhanced as a result; the focus was all on facing that challenge of old feelings, we took what we talked about and applied it to our current or future relationships; We also though; didn’t make a point of Re-Doing attraction elements; it was more a one time healthy therapy type session. I said what I said because Micheal has spoken about certain things in a way that shows tremendous insight and understanding; so I took that gamble to mention. (Sara has shown she has Mike’s heart in Mind, regardless of circumstance);

    But I totally get the mention of how that is dangerous when you’re not “ready” and ready to me means, unconditional Love, and love to me is care, concern, and respect, in varied levels. You can have care and concern for a drunk but not much respect; you can respect someone, have care, but not concern that means active process with them, etc…..hope that clears things up.