My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

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Archive for November 1st, 2008

Dive into Halloween ’08

November 01st, 2008 | Category: Life

So, this Halloween was interesting. As far as costumes go, I really outdid myself. As I’ve written, I’m fairly, okay, really addicted to a Nirvana video of them performing Dive. So, I was inspired to dress as zombie Kurt Cobain in drag. It was kind of a re-imagining, because I couldn’t match his look exactly, but I think I was faithful to the essence of the video. I think I have more piercings and tattoos.

If I decide to do something, I get rather into it. I do it with everything, really. Happiness, depression, love, drugs, sex, tattoos, zombie costumes, whatever, I take it all the way downtown. It’s probably the best and worst thing about me. 

The party was fun and depressing all at once. I know lots of people I don’t particularly want to know. It’s not that they’re not nice people, I just don’t fit, but I pretend to fit. It’s that “alone in a crowd” feeling, I feel it almost everywhere, all the time. Then again, there are people who do fit me, people I hung out with tonight, and time with them is too short. That contrast is really difficult, pretending to fit and actually fitting. It’s depressing, I get lost, I forget that there are places that feel good.

I went so many years bored and lonely, completely apathetic to do anything about it. I’ve just only started making my own way in the last three years, meeting people who really feel right to me. I hired assistants, started doing things that really suit me, trying to make connections that don’t feel empty. I met Sara, fell in love, brilliantly choked on some juice. I died for a bit, came back with a tube in my throat. I lost Sara, I got better acquainted with not talking. I found Sara again, I got used to feeling “at home.” Sara had to move to Boston, I handled that spectacularly badly, lost Sara again. The last three years in Reader’s Digest form.

Now, here I am, zombie Kurt Cobain in drag. Trying to feel like the right me again. Trying to fit when I sometimes feel broken.