My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…
Archive for November 4th, 2008

As far as writing goes

November 04th, 2008 | Category: Life

As far as writing goes, I’m rather happy with Suicide Party. It’s really dark, edgy, has good flashes of imagery. It was inspired by my own astonishing depression and the exquisite prose of Catherynne M. Valente. Reading her has made me a better writer.

Honestly, in the last almost three years since I nearly permanently died, five writers have shaped the way I write about this completely strange and dark period in my life; Catherynne M. Valente, Jeff VanderMeerK.J. Bishop, Michael Cisco and Chuck Palahniuk. They’ve all made my writing into something I’m proud to share. Yes, I’ve been depressed, even passively suicidal, but I’ve been able to put it to words, which I think is really important.

I’ve been so depressed because I’ve desperately wanted something that fell apart. I’ve been completely entangled in fixing it. The thing is, one person can’t fix or build a relationship. To me, when people are in love and want a life together, they’re a team. Neither person is perfect, sometimes one might fuck up really badly, but at the end of the day they try to work things out, because ultimately they feel like life is just better together. That’s how I feel, and I’ve seen it work. I’ve also seen it fail.

I’ve been a son in two divorces. My best friend’s wife left him after almost twenty years. Sometimes things go really wrong. I lost my love, the same brilliant woman, twice in almost four years. It pretty much broke me this time. For me, the hardest part was chasing the fix, the idea that we could be right again. Truth be told, I love her so astonishingly much, I’d take a zombie bite for her. It’s just that we have pieces that don’t fit. I can’t be what she needs. We see relationships very differently. I honestly realized all of this tonight.

No matter how beautiful, I can’t keep chasing a ghost. I can’t leave half myself with someone who can’t keep it. I’ve been absolutely destroying myself. So, it stops right now. I’m finally awake.