My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Sep 9

Maybe not

Category: Life

Maybe my previous post isn’t really part of something longer. I mean, I’m just tired. I wish trach tubes were more advanced, but as I think about it, they are pretty advanced, it’s not simply a bic pen shoved into my neck. The tubes are bacteria resistant, custom measured, they’re not primitive. The real issues are that my trachea is shaped funny, and, plainly, the human body doesn’t like foreign objects shoved into it. My throat doesn’t know this tube’s keeping me alive, it’s just some invader that apparently can’t be swallowed, so it obviously needs coughed out at all costs. Basically, my throat’s an idiot.

It’s kind of interesting to think about how hard-wired the human body is, it’s designed to work and protect itself. My throat’s not an idiot, it’s a part of an astonishingly complex machine that wasn’t designed to work with plastic tubes in mind. When a trach tube gets removed, which generally does happen, they’re primarily a temporary airway, the hole that gets cut in one’s throat heals closed in a matter of a few hours. The body knows that under general circumstances, a hole in the throat is bad, fatal, and must be closed as quickly as possible, The human body is fascinating.

I’m just worn down, wondering how much fight I have left. The trach isn’t really my biggest problem, but it’s immediate and the easiest to explain. It makes the physical act of writing much harder, but if other things were right, the fight would be much less costly.


5 Comments so far

  1. sara September 9th, 2013 8:59 pm

    I wish I had an ounce to just understand the hardship you endure. It seems that it can be maddening. Insane. Frustrating, damn it!!

    You have much more of a war to happen-so giving up really isn’t an option. You have another season coming soon with that the lovely and awkward family gatherings that holidays bring (all madly pretending each life resembles something like Jesus walking on water-basic bullshit)
    You have more hell to endure and love to conquer. It’s seriously twisted, this life. It’s the little moments worth living-and in hard times it’s those moments worth remembering. So remember away because if you ever see me-I just might have a smile across my face remembering a time when life wasn’t so damn ugly.

  2. michael September 9th, 2013 9:18 pm

    sara: I’m not giving up, not voluntarily anyway. I do remember, sometimes remembering hurts too.

  3. maria X (Mrs. Xenick in your school life) September 9th, 2013 9:58 pm

    I wish you didn’t need a trach tube…

  4. josh September 9th, 2013 11:15 pm

    sara nailed it!

    You always make your daily struggles easy for your readers to understand on a surface level, but most of us will never really know how you feel.

    Regardless, you have fighters in your corner. Keep kicking ass – I know it’s early in the month, but each of these September posts has been a great read and full of insight. You’re a beast!

  5. Elena September 12th, 2013 11:18 pm

    The body is interesting about things like that… and then there’s the concept of allergies…