My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Nov 4

As far as writing goes

Category: Life

As far as writing goes, I’m rather happy with Suicide Party. It’s really dark, edgy, has good flashes of imagery. It was inspired by my own astonishing depression and the exquisite prose of Catherynne M. Valente. Reading her has made me a better writer.

Honestly, in the last almost three years since I nearly permanently died, five writers have shaped the way I write about this completely strange and dark period in my life; Catherynne M. Valente, Jeff VanderMeerK.J. Bishop, Michael Cisco and Chuck Palahniuk. They’ve all made my writing into something I’m proud to share. Yes, I’ve been depressed, even passively suicidal, but I’ve been able to put it to words, which I think is really important.

I’ve been so depressed because I’ve desperately wanted something that fell apart. I’ve been completely entangled in fixing it. The thing is, one person can’t fix or build a relationship. To me, when people are in love and want a life together, they’re a team. Neither person is perfect, sometimes one might fuck up really badly, but at the end of the day they try to work things out, because ultimately they feel like life is just better together. That’s how I feel, and I’ve seen it work. I’ve also seen it fail.

I’ve been a son in two divorces. My best friend’s wife left him after almost twenty years. Sometimes things go really wrong. I lost my love, the same brilliant woman, twice in almost four years. It pretty much broke me this time. For me, the hardest part was chasing the fix, the idea that we could be right again. Truth be told, I love her so astonishingly much, I’d take a zombie bite for her. It’s just that we have pieces that don’t fit. I can’t be what she needs. We see relationships very differently. I honestly realized all of this tonight.

No matter how beautiful, I can’t keep chasing a ghost. I can’t leave half myself with someone who can’t keep it. I’ve been absolutely destroying myself. So, it stops right now. I’m finally awake.


8 Comments so far

  1. Laura November 4th, 2008 10:03 am

    I’m going to have to check out a few of those authors. Hey, what’s your favorite Palahniuk book? Mine’s Invisible Monsters.

    I’m happy that you’re looking to move on, Mike. You even wrote about the desire to do so beautifully. I’ve been guilty of chasing beautiful ghosts as well … no way for it to end well.

  2. michael November 4th, 2008 2:43 pm

    It’s definitely a tie between Invisible Monsters and Survivor. I have tattoos from both.

  3. Mama November 4th, 2008 10:17 pm

    So awesome to read…you ROCK!!! The good times are rolling again!

  4. teresa November 5th, 2008 6:32 am

    Human potential is the same for all. Your feeling, “I am of no value”, is wrong. Absolutely wrong. You are deceiving yourself. We all have the power of thought – so what are you lacking? If you have willpower, then you can change anything. It is usually said that you are your own master.
    – Dalai Lama

  5. Ziztur November 6th, 2008 3:42 pm

    I now how you feel. I’ve been there done that.

    Awhile ago, I was in a triad. That is, I was in a three-person relationship. We were all intelligent, rational people so we figured if anyone could manage it, we could.

    It ended up being the most stressful and intense period of my life. It took a long time for the three of us to even wake up to the reality of it. Months even. I am happy that we finally woke up to the reality that we couldn’t make it work.

  6. Jeff VanderMeer November 7th, 2008 10:57 pm

    I have to say that the profile of you on This American Life was inspirational to me, and this was before I knew you were a fan of my work. I read your blog because you’re honest, and because you have a unique perspective. I’m glad you’re writing, and I’m doubly glad my writing has been useful to you. Keep on fighting, and know that you have a lot of friends.


  7. Jayleen November 11th, 2008 6:32 pm

    I’m pretty positive, my friend, that you love zombies so much you’d take a zombie bite for anyone. Kurt-Cobain-style, even.

  8. Cat Valente November 25th, 2008 1:45 am

    I’m deeply glad to have touched you in some small way, Mike.