My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Nov 28

Thanksgiving, addiction and suicide

Category: Life

I’ve been thinking about this post for awhile, it just wasn’t particularly clear enough to write. Some friends came over before the big turkey dinner for a movie, The Royal Tenenbaums. I hadn’t seen it in years, but this time it felt rather different.

A few years ago, there were some things I didn’t really understand. I obviously knew about addiction and suicide, I knew people got lost in both, but I didn’t understand why. I guess I had sympathy without empathy. I always thought it ridiculous and sad that someone would do anything to chase a fix, or want to die, and then make it happen. Both things are still sad, but I don’t think they’re ridiculous. I don’t look down on people who do such things and wonder, “why?” I get the whys now, whether I want to or not. 

Sometimes life feels so painful, so wrong, all a person wants is a break, anything to feel some sort of comfort. Drugs and alcohol provide that comfort, they make that pain stop for a little while. While a person’s high on whatever they’re on it seems like the best idea in the world, everything feels so perfectly clear, and safe. Of course, this is temporary, everybody comes down, and the life that felt bad before feels even worse with the contrast. Each fix feels a little less great, and the next fix feels a little more important. If one’s fixes don’t result in accidental death, maybe they get help. Or maybe they don’t.

Sometimes life hurts so much, one feels so entirely lost and alone, that bleeding in the bathtub honestly seems like the only fix. Everything feels empty, highs are temporary at best, and one knows it. Suicides are missing a spark, that little voice that says tomorrow will be better. It’s terrifying when that voice is silent.

I understand why people fall down and stay down. It’s totally sad when it happens, but it happens nonetheless. It’s absolutely sad, but it’s not nonsense. Not to me, not anymore.


3 Comments so far

  1. Will November 28th, 2008 1:55 pm

    Royal T’s for me, left me hollow, and I felt it was in essense, aimless. I kept waiting for it’s kooky theme and characters to deliver a message or be entertaining; I saw it’s message, what was intended to be entertaining, but it did nothing at all for me. I can think of more depressing films, but not right now and not after reading what you wrote. Tad concerned, but, I give you tons of credit as you explore your feelings and you’re honest, so, I’ll not be so concerned but still… I can say this, I had issues in the past, had thoughts of everything’s gone, I’ve screwed up, and I’m thankful and grateful beyond belief I didn’t and that period is over. Long over. A lesson, an experience. Gratitude, is what keeps us in check; focus, gives us our mental and emotional environment ; you literally have to push your thoughts and your heart to what you want in return, by being grateful for what is good.

    The greatest thief of human happiness and abundance is ungratefulness. Any lack in our lives is simply the evidence of a lack of gratitude. If you focus on lack you are not being grateful, and that will bring more lack into your life. Sounds incredibly hokey when you’re down, but the simple state of radiating gratitude summons what you want to you.

    It’s painful to doubt and fear after hearing you speak on this subject and end with a point of understanding those who want to end their life, especially during the holiday silly season, so, please just know many are here for you and look forward to you focusing on what makes you content, makes you happy, Certain things and feelings are not only unfullfilling, but down right dangerous.
    I can’t tell if I am worried and saying this, and will offend you ,but, just the same, Take care with inputs and stimuli, if you’re hovering over some emotions you’d rather not, then what you choose for input will exacerbate or distance you from it, so…choose wisely. I am also giving this unasked for advice to myself just the same.

  2. Jenn Malatesta November 28th, 2008 5:10 pm

    Now you know why I occasionally fantasize about throwing myself in front of the Metrorail.

  3. Samuel November 29th, 2008 1:03 pm

    I had my brush with the edge and came back. It is a scary place. Yet, we can come back from anything. Scratching and clawing, I made my way back. It is truly worth the work.

    One of my friends did not come back. He had such pain. I did not understand the situation until a year later, I more fully understood his pain and true sorrow. I will always think of him and how if he had been born five years later, he would have the potential to be one of the top graphic designers in the world.

    In the end, I realize the pain is very real, but there is a path to life and love. One day at a time.