My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Mar 2

The weight of time

Category: Life

Lately, I can feel the weight of time, it’s like a lead blanket on my chest. I’m Quentin Compson and I can feel time, it’s a rock tied to my body, pulling me toward the bottom of the Charles River. Time doesn’t feel abstract, or arbitrary. Time is palpable, unflinching. Time is a zombie that you can’t shoot in the head, or burn. The cross didn’t kill Christ, time did. The clock is killing me one minute at a time, just like you.

If I died tomorrow, I wouldn’t feel content on my way out. Right now, I feel like Jack’s wasted life. I haven’t found the love of my life, I haven’t written my book. If I really think about what’s important to me, all I really want is to fall asleep at night holding a woman I love, and to write consistently well. Of course, time doesn’t particularly care about such things, time gives no guarantees to anyone. For me, time isn’t an excuse for failure, it’s a maddening force that drives me, frustrates me, and often terrifies me.

What do you want before time crushes you?


8 Comments so far

  1. Melissa March 2nd, 2009 1:08 am

    I want to let ocean waves lap at my feet as the red sun approaches the horizon.

    I want to write some story that gives somebody chills.

    I want to hold my daughter again and see her smile.

  2. tara March 2nd, 2009 6:16 am

    jack’s wasted life. this whole thing felt very palahniuk.
    not like that’s ever a bad thing.

    i feel like time is a nagging wife that’s worn me down. i can remember being 16, 17, so young and full of hope. still fully believing that anything was possible, nothing is out of reach. i got out on the road and did my growing up, only to feel like i’ve had the blinders ripped off my eyes. and it was as if i had succumb to the reality, pulled out of my ‘personal matrix.’

    i finally realized that i won’t live forever. i had never really imagined a world without me in it before. the time i have on this rock is very limited and i better do what the fuck i can to enjoy it while i can. so, i’m trying and that’s all i can say.

    before time crushes me: i want to write(more, and better). i want to spend everyday i can with my love. i want to visit india. i want to live in California, atleast once. i want to cover my body in ink.

  3. Will March 2nd, 2009 10:03 am

    I want to insure all my peeps feel as content as I do but not wanting so much / not asking for so much, as, after my 20’s going from nothing to Everything back down to nothing; I’ve noticed my 30’s are full of contentment from having very low expectations. Ironically, I gain more the less I want. I stress less than ever before, and wish that peace for all. But each has to find that on their own, their own way, so I won’t preach, just wish them peace.

    I also VERY Much would like to make Bad Ass of The Week before I Die.

  4. josh March 3rd, 2009 2:10 pm

    I just hope I can truly know who I am before I die and honestly say that I’m ok with that person.

  5. Alex Carnegie March 4th, 2009 6:28 pm

    Josh gave a very good answer that I agree with. I want to be able to say, when I go, that I’ve been a good parent to my children (assuming I have any), a good son to my parents, a good brother to my siblings, a good husband/lover(I know how that sounds, stop sniggering)/whatever to whomever I’m with, a good friend to my friend, a good writer to my readers (fingers crossed that I have any) and so on.

    I want to have finally put all my demons to rest, or at least some of the ones that haunt me most. I want to achieve the thing I desire, such as to have written and had published at least one novel.

    If I can at least strike a few of the more important ones from the list I’ll have been lucky.

  6. Alex Carnegie March 4th, 2009 6:29 pm

    Aaargh: I think my S key is sticking. “Friends” and “things” rather than “friend” and “thing” – that just makes me sound lonely and single minded LOL

  7. michael March 5th, 2009 3:18 am

    It’s interesting how our basic wants are so similar.

  8. Jeff Petrie May 4th, 2009 4:36 pm

    I want to visit my friends in Cincinnati hundreds of times.

    I want to know what it’s like to be loved by a woman.

    I want more tattoos.

    I want Flogging Molly to play at my birthday party.

    I want to finish rating every song in iTunes.

    I want to make a mix CD for every man, woman, child, dog, cat, mammal, quadruped, and invertebrate in the multiverse.