My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Apr 28

Memory Lane

Category: Life,Opinions

This song is really interesting, to me it’s one of the best things Elliott Smith ever wrote. It’s about institutionalization, being hospitalized for depression. When I was in for depression, I went voluntarily. I signed up on purpose, but once you’re in, you’re in for awhile. You can’t just change your mind and go home. Being honest about my dark thoughts at the beginning only made things worse. They pumped me full of drugs I didn’t need, drugs that made me feel like I was dying. I just needed to talk to someone, but nobody would really listen. It was a terrifying experience, just like the song. It seems to mirror many people’s experiences. I’ve talked to several, and we all agree that the thing we learned from going to the hospital for depression is that we never want to go to the hospital for depression.

Memory Lane is so sad and beautiful, because it’s true to me. Darkness is very lonely, most people don’t understand how it feels. People don’t know how to help, so sometimes they don’t even try. Sometimes the “help” you do get only makes things worse. Honestly, I don’t think one can genuinely understand darkness unless they’ve been there, and back. I know that when I need to talk to someone, it’s always better to talk to someone who’s been lost like me. Whenever I meet someone in a dark place, I’m not one to leave them if they need me. We should look out for each other, because I don’t think shiny happy people really know how.


4 Comments so far

  1. Kitty April 29th, 2009 12:48 am

    I know. Imagine my surprise when they didn’t give me a fluffy white robe at check in. No adirondack chair or lakeside grassy slopes to sit upon and reflect. I hate their ass faces.

    It’s so good to see you cranking out copy again. That makes me big happy.

  2. Steph April 29th, 2009 8:14 pm

    That is so bullshit.

    When I am elected Queen of Earth, I shall make it so that everyone who has the courage to check themselves in for depression is given a fluffy robe, sat down in a lounge chair with a beautiful view, given hour long massages, and someone awesome who will draw you out, listen, and let your draw.

    Minimal drugs, maximum smoothies.

    And capes for all.

  3. ali April 30th, 2009 5:15 pm

    as sick as it is.
    sometimes, very rarely. i daydream about my 5 weeks in a ward. i was a mess, surrounded by other youths that were a mess. they let me sleep all day, gave me drugs to sleep. took away my shoes but i still managed to chew on a pencil and draw blood. they asked me what was wrong and i said nothing. we had movie night. everybody was lost. i do not miss the screams.

  4. nancy November 20th, 2009 3:52 am

    have you ever read It’s Kind of A Funny Story by Ned Vizzini? good book. i dont think anyone’s shiny happy. there are those of us who just admit that we’re at the end of the rope sometimes, but everyone hits a wall.