My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…
Archive for August 31st, 2009

Not writing

August 31st, 2009 | Category: Life

Lately, I’m not writing, at all. I haven’t written a Goddamn fucking thing in a week. My head is a bad scene lately, really fucking bad. I have a whole last day of New York to write, my favorite day, but I haven’t been able to make myself write it. I can’t focus on anything. Part of the problem is that I haven’t had an assistant for something like four weeks. Katherine, who went to New York, moved, and I haven’t been able to find the right person since. So, I haven’t really been able to go out much, definitely not in a way that feels right. I’ve been out with my brother a few times, but it’s not the same. He’s a great brother, but it’s really not the same. Assistants are the essence of freedom, they’re paid to do a job. An assistant’s job is to do exactly what I want, on my schedule, my terms. Family’s different, it feels wrong. It’s depressing, to me, if I want to go out at seven, and end up going out at eight instead. It might seem little, but the little decisions I don’t get to make add up to a lot of depression. My brother has a life, a job, hobbies, a lady, friends, and that’s all great. Christ, that’s everything I want, what everybody wants. The thing is, going out with my brother, even if my friends are there, I’m still fitting into his schedule. I can’t live my life, particularly my social life, on someone else’s schedule. That’s dependence, dependence is depressing, to me. It’s claustrophobic. I’m still interviewing assistants, I still don’t have one. I have to fix the assistant situation, it would soften much of the noise in my head.

Noise, so much noise, and not enough to distract me from it. I have to, and sooner rather than later, silence the noise, not just cover it with a fix.

Still, noise or not, I have to keep writing.