My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Aug 31

Not writing

Category: Life

Lately, I’m not writing, at all. I haven’t written a Goddamn fucking thing in a week. My head is a bad scene lately, really fucking bad. I have a whole last day of New York to write, my favorite day, but I haven’t been able to make myself write it. I can’t focus on anything. Part of the problem is that I haven’t had an assistant for something like four weeks. Katherine, who went to New York, moved, and I haven’t been able to find the right person since. So, I haven’t really been able to go out much, definitely not in a way that feels right. I’ve been out with my brother a few times, but it’s not the same. He’s a great brother, but it’s really not the same. Assistants are the essence of freedom, they’re paid to do a job. An assistant’s job is to do exactly what I want, on my schedule, my terms. Family’s different, it feels wrong. It’s depressing, to me, if I want to go out at seven, and end up going out at eight instead. It might seem little, but the little decisions I don’t get to make add up to a lot of depression. My brother has a life, a job, hobbies, a lady, friends, and that’s all great. Christ, that’s everything I want, what everybody wants. The thing is, going out with my brother, even if my friends are there, I’m still fitting into his schedule. I can’t live my life, particularly my social life, on someone else’s schedule. That’s dependence, dependence is depressing, to me. It’s claustrophobic. I’m still interviewing assistants, I still don’t have one. I have to fix the assistant situation, it would soften much of the noise in my head.

Noise, so much noise, and not enough to distract me from it. I have to, and sooner rather than later, silence the noise, not just cover it with a fix.

Still, noise or not, I have to keep writing.


5 Comments so far

  1. stacey August 31st, 2009 9:37 am

    I notice you posted you jobs, when I saw This American Life, on Craigslist. Lately that site has turned into something of a circus. Maybe you should post around the colleges. I think you are looking for someone around your age and maybe post around the medical side of the campus. Or hell, maybe the theater..their always amazing people. Anyway, don’t worry so much you’ll find someone in time.

  2. swartzfeger August 31st, 2009 10:07 am

    What Would Corey Do?

  3. Trevor August 31st, 2009 8:52 pm

    Time to spend some cash on an ad in the regular newspaper or the Oracle at USF.

  4. Angie September 1st, 2009 10:46 am

    Keep it up Mike. I get what you’re saying about dependence… soon you’ll find someone great and be doing things on your own terms 🙂

  5. concrete_bubble September 1st, 2009 6:30 pm

    Hi Mike, I just started reading your blog. I can relate to many of the feelings you talk about. I hope you find a new assistant and relief from the noise in your head soon. Kelly P.S. I feel better knowing that I’m not the only one that thinks a zombie attack would be really fucking cool. My only question is, If the world is overrun by zombies would I still get my netflix in the mail?