My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Aug 19

Thinking about darkness

Category: Life

I’ve been thinking about my darkness, how I feel about it, and cope with it. I know there’s a lot of darkness in me. I understand and write about addiction, and loneliness, and depression, and suicide. My twenty-eight years of experiences have made me into, well, an often melancholy, introspective, cautiously optimistic fellow. Yet, I like who I am, I think there’s so much good in me. I think all my darkness helps me to deeply appreciate beauty when I find it. I don’t take love and people I care about for granted. Whenever I meet someone else who knows darkness, I try to pull them out because I know how absolutely bad loneliness in the dark feels. Deep down, I know my story doesn’t have to end badly, but I know it might anyway.

I think everybody has dark moments, dark thoughts. Some of us are darker than others, but nobody’s flawlessly happy. I think what makes me different is that I take the thoughts that most people hide and write them for anyone to see.


10 Comments so far

  1. Ormolu August 19th, 2009 12:15 pm

    Sometimes you are so remarkably ordinary.


  2. me August 19th, 2009 10:56 pm

    I am annoyed with you tonight-how do you like that? I have no right to be, of course, but since you put yourself out there- I have chosen to just be ticked off at you. Of course I am channeling this from other things going on in my life-and actually I am really pissed off with a fully “capable” person in my life that thinks and writes like you….so I vent-

    I have to know something-totally not related to paragraph 1. I really want to know your thoughts on this- I am cute chick-blonde hair-brown eyes-fit-am actually willing to experiment in almost anything sexually speaking…. my partner of 8+ years has a fetish addiction….I have indulged him in this-yet I am never enough. In fact- I have proclivities toward my own fetishes-but they aren’t about me…never were.

    Ah well- a small vent. Your blog-it’s about you. Just pretty fuckin tired of no one listening to me.

    What is it with men and porn? I could lose my mind if someone doen’t make some sense of this for me

    no biggie…

  3. michael August 20th, 2009 1:41 am

    me: Your partner sucks. The thing that turns me on the most is seeing my lover turned on. My fetish is for the woman I’m with, making her sweat and moan. You should be with someone who treats you well.

  4. me August 20th, 2009 6:57 am

    sometimes we can’t answer why we stay anymore than why we leave

    PS-that was sme vodka talking last night-drinking on a WED-OUCH!

  5. A.Sønju August 20th, 2009 5:17 pm

    I just saw your feature on This American Life; and was much moved. I wish you well, and admire your strength of character. To borrow a friend’s quote
    “We are just as blind in the totality of light as we are in its absence, a difference of shadow is needed to properly discern depth and distance.”

  6. Pastor Brandon August 20th, 2009 11:00 pm

    I felt prompted to speak to you. I see that you speak often of spiritual things. You speak of goodness and darkness, standards of beauty and optimism. I wonder if you have heard the real story of Jesus. I know; I know. The name Jesus makes most cringe. Yet, he claims to be God. He claims to be able to forgive darkness even the dark nature within each of us. He claims that his death is the key to the forgiveness. Simply, He died so that when we stand before God we may be declared “not guilty.” He took the place and paid the penalty for all those who put their confidence and trust in his work.
    Perhaps, you hadn’t thought about meeting God. Perhaps, you don’t care. If that is the case; then I suppose my prompting was the leftovers I had for dinner. If you are curious then it would make for a great conversation. Hope in God, Pastor Brandon

  7. Steph August 22nd, 2009 9:12 pm

    Hey Mike,

    Remember, you are a writer, you create, you dive into the parts that make you the most human and shine a light whether what you find is pretty or ugly. And by shining that light and taking a close look, you make the rest of us a bit more decent.

    Remember that Frida Kahlo was painting some rather graphic work about her own suffering, her own pain and struggles. Frida had almost as many operations as you have, and yet her friends and family all tell story after story about how happy she was, how funny she was.

    Frida painted great works of art. You write words that change people. Keep on. The rest of us, we are the better for it.

  8. michael August 23rd, 2009 2:33 am

    Pastor: I do know God. I talk to Him all the time, but I don’t think He cares.

  9. xxxBuzz August 25th, 2009 5:33 am

    man you’re an awsome writer. has a link to a feature that lets you put poems/writing/photo’s into a book format, then lets you set a price and it can get posted on their site, and on Amazon if you want it to. Never could figure how to get mine on amazon but you seem more internet savy than me. just a thought for some extra $$$ since it doesn’t cost anything to do it. you set the price and then they have a set fee depending on the size and such that they take to make it.

  10. viki August 26th, 2009 5:46 pm

    god? Him? seriously…. have you seen the film ‘religulous’ by bill maher? asks the perfect questions… hopefully, makes folks begin to ‘question’ all that they’ve been fed all these years. i know, it’s an unpopular opinion, but i’m entitled. i do not mean to offend anyone, as i said, it’s just an opinion…