My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

So, last night I saw The Last House on the Left, and it’s definitely a remake that crushes the original. Still, it’s not particularly smart, or suspenseful. Also, I really don’t like watching women getting raped and brutalized. I can see women getting eaten by zombies, or bled out by vampires, none of that is real. Rape, however, is very real, incredibly evil, and it happens to women every single day. It’s something no woman should ever experience, and I don’t like seeing it in movies. Yes, I knew what I was getting into, but I can complain about it just the same.

Yet, at the very end of the movie, something kind of hysterical happened. There’s a scene at the end involving a microwave, a scene so absolutely fucked up that it inspired a girl behind me to shout, and I quote, “Jesus Christ!” Who knew a microwave could affect someone so?

Look on the bright side, suicide… – Nirvana

Talk about resilience!

So, according to The Salty Droid, apparently I’m “one resilient mother fucker.” I don’t know if “resilient” is necessarily how I see myself. تعليم البوكر للمبتدئين I can’t think of any one word that describes me, I’m too many contradictions.

I see myself as a dark, good spirited, depressed, melancholy, optimistic, charismatic, persistent, rarely content fellow. شرح لعبة روليت  I’m all of that at once, but I wouldn’t say I’m resilient. كيف تربح في الكازينو Resilience implies a lack of change, but after every success or disaster, I’m always a slightly different version of me.

Still, I love the press coverage and droid affection.

Despite my efforts, I’ve only been able to consistently maintain one assistant who can take me out on the town with the absolute guarantee that I won’t die because she did something stupid. She actually once made sure I didn’t die after one of my breathing machines quit working for no apparent reason. So, she’s very good. She’s also very out of town. 

Now, the last time she went out of town and I didn’t have a backup, I went and had myself committed. I was really depressed and not sleeping, I had way too much time for thoughts that were nothing but bad. Still, being committed was a completely awful experience. So, this time, I think I’ll just go become a nun.

I have to admit, I’m rather excited about the NeuroSwitch and what it could do. I feel like I could be my old self again, I feel a little of my old arrogance, my confidence. It’s good to be a bit arrogant sometimes, it takes a little arrogance to do things that seem impossible. The last few months have been slowly and quietly breaking me down, as it’s gotten harder and harder to write.

Words are so powerful, they can create reality just as surely as any physical act. Words properly arranged into sentences can inspire fear, sorrow, love, so many emotions. Writing is really the only thing I do well, it’s how I’ve accomplished things that mean everything to me. It’s how I meet people, it’s how I go places, the written word is entirely important to me. Without writing I’m a living corpse, I’m nothing. If I couldn’t write, every dream I have would be ash. I’d never find another lover, or an end to loneliness, I’d have no future that I want. These ideas have terrified me since December, but not today. Not right now.

So, in about three weeks, a fellow is flying in from Australia to hook me up with a NeuroSwitch. The NeuroSwitch is pretty much the Jason Bourne, the Lestat of switches. It’s a switch that does not fuck around. Kitty Jesus willing, I’ll be back to my old self soon enough.

Like I said, there’s absolutely no questioning that Queen of the Damned is awful, I totally admit that, but certain scenes…

I’m completely addicted to the concert scene, I can’t help it. I love the goth imagery, the atmosphere. I love Lestat, his arrogance, his confidence. He knows what he is, he lives unflinchingly on his terms. I sometimes see myself like Lestat, but not often enough.

You’re all sex, and liquor, romance and sin. You’re all dark clothes, and dark music, dark words. America, baseball, apple pie, these things you’re not. You fit nowhere, tired of trying, searching, tired of wanting. You’re all lonely and bored, things you hate, and never lack.

Queen of the Damned is definitely a terrible movie, definitely a terrible adaption of a decent book. It’s so wrong in so many ways, and yet, I watch it. I watch it because it does do a few things right, such as the film’s final sequence…

I think it’s such a gorgeous visual metaphor for immortality, it perfectly illustrates how time only flies for we who die.

So, today I tried a few infrared switches to use with my eyebrow. As I kind of feared, infrared switches don’t respond quickly enough, or accurately enough for someone as fast as me. Supposedly, very few are close to being as fast as me with a switch and my switch software.

So, I still need to find a responsive switch that doesn’t require my thumb, or the zombies could just come. Either way.